My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I need to sanitize my soul.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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