: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
