I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
