in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
