at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
