I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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