my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
