I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
