Can Purell be used as lube?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
