If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
