You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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