i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
