found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
