Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
