Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
