I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
