I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize