I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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