I think I won the penis lottery.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
