i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
