I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
