my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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