he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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