That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
