maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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