I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
