I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
