Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
