I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
