Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
handjob tips. give me some.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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