I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
