i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
