Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
