I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
