Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
