I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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