I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
