Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize