Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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