Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
