I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
