don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
