Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
