You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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