Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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