I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize