Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
