I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
