I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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