walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
