I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
