We won't sleep together?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
