I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
