I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
