You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
