me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
