i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
