Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How external is "for external use only"?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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